One thought that has helped me as I have pondered wounds from the church the last few months is that of expectations. I am not minimizing that people have sinned against me (or at times I have been guilty of the same). The Bible clearly states that all have sinned and fall short of God’s perfect standard (Rom. 3:23). I would propose, however, that wounds are deepened based on our expectations.
I have sisters. My relationships with all of them are as different as all our personalities. Two sisters could respond the exact same way to me in a given situation and with one I may feel hurt while with the other there are no hard feelings. Why is that? It’s because I expect different things from each one based on our relationship, personalities, and season of life.
I have found that pain pierces more deeply when it takes me by surprise. In my most recent church hurt, I was not at all surprised by the actions of a few people. Yes, it hurt, but they acted the way I expected them to based on past experience, the level of relationship, and spiritual maturity. There were several others, however, that did not respond as I expected. I felt a greater degree of hurt from those individuals because I was not expecting it.
So where am I going with all of this? Knowing that all people are sinners, I should not be surprised when people sin against me. It is a fact of life. It is not right or fair for me to expect my “friends” or others to serve as functional saviors. The only ONE who will never let me down is Jesus. Trying to force a person into that role will only leave me disappointed and with an idol problem.
We have to learn to live in community with this tension… trusting others while at the same time knowing realistically that a time will come that sin will create messiness between us.
Stephen Mansfield says, “What this means practically is that the very people we hug on Sunday morning or welcome into our homes for cell groups are beings who both bear the image of God and evidence of the scars of evil, who both strive to live the truths of God and yet sometimes descend into the character of pagans.”
Keeping this realistic expectation will help prevent deeper hurt. I won’t be so surprised next time when a brother or sister in Christ sins against me. This prepares my heart in advance to bestow grace and forgiveness.
One last thought on expectations is the western evangelical idea that being a Christian means you won’t suffer or face difficulties in this life. We have turned comfort and happiness into our goal rather than holiness. The Bible promises the exact opposite (remember Jesus saying, “In this world you will have trouble”).
Stephen Mansfield says it well when he states, “Great men and women of God are not exempt from hurt and offense. Instead, enduring the wounds of fellow Christians with mercy and grace seems to be the call of every true saint, and we should not expect it to be any different in our own lives.” Read the biography of a great saint and you will see repeated hardships!
Mansfield goes on to say, “Christianity is not the absence of stupidity and hurt. Christianity is the message of a God who uses our stupidity and hurt to make us what we are destined to be.”
My challenge for you is to honestly seek God and ask Him to reveal to you your expectations. Ask Him to show you what expectations you are holding people to that are unrealistic and unfair. Ask Him to show you how to use your hurt and “stupidity” to grow you closer to Him and to advance the Gospel.
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