One of the number one issues for someone who has scars from a hurtful church experience is that of forgiveness. How do you forgive when it hurts so stinking bad? How do you avoid developing a root of bitterness in your heart? This is one of the hardest aspects of moving forward after a wound from the church. I believe the centrality of moving forward in forgiveness is the Gospel.
I must always keep before me what God has done for me. Jesus endured the wrath of God on the cross in order to rescue me from my sin. Jesus was separated from God in order that I may be reunited with Him. Paul David Tripp puts it this way in How People Change, “The trinity was torn asunder so that we can experience reconciliation and forgiveness.” My motivation to forgive others comes from the forgiveness I have received.
I am reminded of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35. Scripture makes it very clear that blessings do not flow from a heart of unforgiveness. In fact, the Bible says that we cannot love Jesus and hate others at the same time (John 4:20). Scripture also says that our enemy is not flesh and blood, but the ruler of this dark world (Eph 6). Jonathan once rephrased it this way in a message, “If it has flesh and blood, it’s not your enemy!” How freeing is that!?!
I know this all sounds great in theory. Putting it into practice when you are hurting deeply, however, is a different matter. It’s not easy! Thankfully, the Bible also tells me what I should do when I am struggling with those who have inflicted hurt. Matthew 5:43-48 tells the Christian that we are to love our “enemies” and pray for those who hurt us. Luke 6:28 reinforces this same principle and says, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” (NIV) It is hard to stay angry and bitter when you are praying for someone and asking God to bless them.
In the counseling world, we talk about triggers. They are situations or thoughts that signal to someone that something deeper is going on. I have learned to take those moments when my true enemy (Satan) brings up the past and my mind starts going to that negative place and use it as a trigger. It is an indicator that I need to stop, pray for that person (or people), and ask God to bless them. Through this process, I am the one who ultimately is most blessed!
This process does not start automatically. You must make an active choice. Forgiveness is not a one-time event. Every time those thoughts or feelings pop up, you have to use self-control and choose once again, to forgive. Eventually, your heart moves. Scripture says that “As a man thinks, so is he.” The more I can train my thoughts to pray for and bless those who have hurt me, the more likely I am to genuinely love my “enemy.” This provides more fertile ground for Godly reconciliation to occur.
I think one last issue with forgiveness is how it is lumped in with many misconceptions. I cannot say it better, so here’s a list of what forgiveness is not from the Driscoll’s book Real Marriage.
- Forgiveness is not denying, approving or diminishing sin that is committed against us.
- Forgiveness is not naivety.
- Forgiveness is not enabling sin.
- Forgiveness is not waiting for someone to acknowledge sin, apologize, and repent.
- Forgiveness is not forgetting about sin committed against us.
- Forgiveness is not dying emotionally and no longer feeling the pain of transgression.
- Forgiveness is not a one-time event.
- Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
- Forgiveness is not neglecting justice.
So what are you holding on to? Let it go! This quote from Mansfield was a HUGE help for me in reframing my mind on forgiveness.
“Even if everyone involved in your hurtful situation instantly agreed with your perspective on the facts, it would not heal the damage that has been done to your insides.”
Nothing can change the past and the hurt you experienced. You can change your future, however, by choosing to walk forward in forgiveness.
Forgiveness is loving despite sin. We do not forgive others because they are good or deserving, but rather because God is good and deserving. Forgiveness is an ongoing lifestyle that is incredibly costly to us and lived out of love for God and others. – Driscoll
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