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~ Wounds from the Church: Forgiveness ~

One of the number one issues for someone who has scars from a hurtful church experience is that of forgiveness.  How do you forgive when it hurts so stinking bad?  How do you avoid developing a root of bitterness in your heart?  This is one of the hardest aspects of moving forward after a wound from the church.  I believe the centrality of moving forward in forgiveness is the Gospel. 

I must always keep before me what God has done for me.  Jesus endured the wrath of God on the cross in order to rescue me from my sin.  Jesus was separated from God in order that I may be reunited with Him.  Paul David Tripp puts it this way in How People Change, “The trinity was torn asunder so that we can experience reconciliation and forgiveness.”  My motivation to forgive others comes from the forgiveness I have received. 

I am reminded of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35.  Scripture makes it very clear that blessings do not flow from a heart of unforgiveness.  In fact, the Bible says that we cannot love Jesus and hate others at the same time (John 4:20).  Scripture also says that our enemy is not flesh and blood, but the ruler of this dark world (Eph 6).  Jonathan once rephrased it this way in a message, “If it has flesh and blood, it’s not your enemy!”  How freeing is that!?!

I know this all sounds great in theory.  Putting it into practice when you are hurting deeply, however, is a different matter.  It’s not easy!  Thankfully, the Bible also tells me what I should do when I am struggling with those who have inflicted hurt.  Matthew 5:43-48 tells the Christian that we are to love our “enemies” and pray for those who hurt us.  Luke 6:28 reinforces this same principle and says, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” (NIV)  It is hard to stay angry and bitter when you are praying for someone and asking God to bless them. 

In the counseling world, we talk about triggers.  They are situations or thoughts that signal to someone that something deeper is going on.  I have learned to take those moments when my true enemy (Satan) brings up the past and my mind starts going to that negative place and use it as a trigger.  It is an indicator that I need to stop, pray for that person (or people), and ask God to bless them.  Through this process, I am the one who ultimately is most blessed!

This process does not start automatically.  You must make an active choice.  Forgiveness is not a one-time event.  Every time those thoughts or feelings pop up, you have to use self-control and choose once again, to forgive.  Eventually, your heart moves.  Scripture says that “As a man thinks, so is he.”  The more I can train my thoughts to pray for and bless those who have hurt me, the more likely I am to genuinely love my “enemy.”  This provides more fertile ground for Godly reconciliation to occur. 

I think one last issue with forgiveness is how it is lumped in with many misconceptions.  I cannot say it better, so here’s a list of what forgiveness is not from the Driscoll’s book Real Marriage.

• Forgiveness is not denying, approving or diminishing sin that is committed against us.
• Forgiveness is not naivety.
• Forgiveness is not enabling sin.
• Forgiveness is not waiting for someone to acknowledge sin, apologize, and repent.
• Forgiveness is not forgetting about sin committed against us.
• Forgiveness is not dying emotionally and no longer feeling the pain of transgression.
• Forgiveness is not a one-time event.
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
• Forgiveness is not neglecting justice.

So what are you holding on to?  Let it go!  This quote from Mansfield was a HUGE help for me in reframing my mind on forgiveness.

“Even if everyone involved in your hurtful situation instantly agreed with your perspective on the facts, it would not heal the damage that has been done to your insides.”

Nothing can change the past and the hurt you experienced.  You can change your future, however, by choosing to walk forward in forgiveness.

Forgiveness is loving despite sin.  We do not forgive others because they are good or deserving, but rather because God is good and deserving.  Forgiveness is an ongoing lifestyle that is incredibly costly to us and lived out of love for God and others.  – Driscoll

~ Wounds from the Church: Reality Check ~

One thought that has helped me as I have pondered wounds from the church the last few months is that of expectations.  I am not minimizing that people have sinned against me (or at times I have been guilty of the same).  The Bible clearly states that all have sinned and fall short of God’s perfect standard (Rom. 3:23).  I would propose, however, that wounds are deepened based on our expectations. 

I have sisters.  My relationships with all of them are as different as all our personalities.  Two sisters could respond the exact same way to me in a given situation and with one I may feel hurt while with the other there are no hard feelings.  Why is that?  It’s because I expect different things from each one based on our relationship, personalities, and season of life. 

I have found that pain pierces more deeply when it takes me by surprise.  In my most recent church hurt, I was not at all surprised by the actions of a few people.  Yes, it hurt, but they acted the way I expected them to based on past experience, the level of relationship, and spiritual maturity.  There were several others, however, that did not respond as I expected.  I felt a greater degree of hurt from those individuals because I was not expecting it.  

So where am I going with all of this?  Knowing that all people are sinners, I should not be surprised when people sin against me.  It is a fact of life.  It is not right or fair for me to expect my “friends” or others to serve as functional saviors.  The only ONE who will never let me down is Jesus.  Trying to force a person into that role will only leave me disappointed and with an idol problem. 

We have to learn to live in community with this tension… trusting others while at the same time knowing realistically that a time will come that sin will create messiness between us. 

Stephen Mansfield says, “What this means practically is that the very people we hug on Sunday morning or welcome into our homes for cell groups are beings who both bear the image of God and evidence of the scars of evil, who both strive to live the truths of God and yet sometimes descend into the character of pagans.”

Keeping this realistic expectation will help prevent deeper hurt.  I won’t be so surprised next time when a brother or sister in Christ sins against me.  This prepares my heart in advance to bestow grace and forgiveness. 

One last thought on expectations is the western evangelical idea that being a Christian means you won’t suffer or face difficulties in this life.  We have turned comfort and happiness into our goal rather than holiness.  The Bible promises the exact opposite (remember Jesus saying, “In this world you will have trouble”). 

Stephen Mansfield says it well when he states, “Great men and women of God are not exempt from hurt and offense.  Instead, enduring the wounds of fellow Christians with mercy and grace seems to be the call of every true saint, and we should not expect it to be any different in our own lives.”  Read the biography of a great saint and you will see repeated hardships! 

Mansfield goes on to say, “Christianity is not the absence of stupidity and hurt.  Christianity is the message of a God who uses our stupidity and hurt to make us what we are destined to be.”

My challenge for you is to honestly seek God and ask Him to reveal to you your expectations.  Ask Him to show you what expectations you are holding people to that are unrealistic and unfair.  Ask Him to show you how to use your hurt and “stupidity” to grow you closer to Him and to advance the Gospel. 

~New Blog Series: Wounds from the Church ~

You don’t have to attend church for very long before you realize you are surrounded by sinners (including you!).  The potential for being hurt and wounded surrounds you.   This fact is only compounded when you are in ministry!  Your life becomes a fishbowl with everyone watching and making some sort of judgment.  You literally can’t win: 

• Don’t be too standoffish yet don’t be overly friendly and come off as lacking genuine care. 
• Your kids can’t ever misbehave or you are horrible parents while at the same time if your children are too well behaved then people assume you are too perfect or out of touch to relate with. 
• You attend a ministry such as MOPS and you automatically are associated with any beliefs, agendas, or gossip that takes place but if you don’t attend MOPS then you must obviously be against it. 

People often approach you as a role you play or a position and forget you are a person with feelings too.  I can’t tell you how many people have come up to me complaining about my husband.  Um, hello!  He’s my husband and it hurts my feelings for you to gossip about him to me.

You’ve heard the saying, “The only things in life that are certain are death and taxes.”  I would add to that, “Being hurt and sinned against.”  I had one dear friend who confided in me that she was terrified that we would hurt one another and ruin our relationship.  My response to her was, of course we are going to hurt one another… we are both sinners.  It doesn’t have to ruin our relationship, though.  Our continued relationship is based on how we choose to respond in the hurt. 

This is the same with the church.  I have seen many people walk away from the church altogether (and some from ministry) because of a deep wound that was inflicted from someone in the church.  If I am totally honest with myself, I have to sometimes question, “How in the world have I not given up on the church with the pains I have endured… many being the most painful wounds of my life?”   That is where this blog series is coming from.  It is the result of me answering that question to myself over and over the last few months after having endured a deep wound from the church. 

I could easily fill up a blog series of all the nasty and hurtful church experiences we have been through.  The very last thing I want, however, is for someone to stumble upon my blog and feel they have more ammunition to walk away from the body of Christ.  Instead, I am writing this series in hopes that a person about to walk away from church stumbles upon it and is encouraged to take a second look.  I hope you will find it thought provoking, challenging, edifying, and encouraging. 

Recommended reading -  

ReChurch: Healing Your Way Back to the People of God by Stephen Mansfield

How People Change by Timothy S. Lane & Paul David Tripp

 

~ Transitioning to a Church Plant ~

A very heartfelt and sincere quesiton was asked at our last Life Church Michigan informational gathering.  The question was:

How do you go about transitioning to being a part of this new church when attending another church on Sunday mornings?

I had the opportunity to add to Jonathan's wisdom on this, but came up empty in the moment.  I have had a chance to really process this the last few days.  Here are my thoughts...

First of all, I whole-heartedly agree with what Jonathan stated in answering.  It's ok to attend another church on Sunday mornings right now.  Our family is attending a church on Sundays.  It is important especially with children to provide a church experience.  We are not having services right now.  We don't have children or student ministries set up.  An informational meeting is not a church worship service so we would expect and hope that people are attending church!

That said, a time will come when Life Church Michigan does have an engaging, gospel-centered, life-giving worship service and ministries which provide the best hour in your kids' week!  It is in that moment, that a person needs to pray and seek the Lord as to where He is calling them.  It is not ok to straddle the fence and provide half-hearted commitments to more than one church.  So, how does one go about making this decision?

I think the hardest part of leaving a church when you sense God calling you to do so, is how it affects your relationships.  Hopefully you have connected with the church and have some meaningful relationships built up from the experience.  Leaving a church often means accepting that those relationships will look different and change.  The purpose of the church, however, is not to provide you with a social life.  If the only reason you are staying at a particular church is because of the social life and friends it provides you, I would humbly say you are missing the point.  Don't get me wrong - friendships should develop in the church and they are great.  They are not the purpose though. The funny thing is that when you focus on the mission of Jesus, He naturally brings those meaningful relationships alongside you.

The purpose of the church is to equip the saints.  Committing to a local body of believers is establishing a covenant with them.  When considering this, Stephen Mansfield says one should ask questions such as

How do they view God?

What do they think He has called them to do?

Who is in charge and what authority do they have?

What have they set out themselves to do in the world?

What do they expect of their members?

Are you and your family called in the same way, to the same purposes that these people sense for themselves?

The next thing to consider is whether a particular pastor is a fit for you and your family.  The Bible says that your pastor is a gift from God.  His primary purpose is to teach and train the people to do the works of God.  Your pastor should have authority in your life.  This authority is not to make you feel scolded or guilty, it should be authority that makes you feel built up and encouraged.  So the second question to consider is:

Can this pastor train you and build you up to fulfill your destiny in the body of Christ?

The last question to consider is regarding how God has gifted and wired you.  He has a purpose and wants to use you to minister in the local body of Christ.  Stephen Mansfield says, "you are choosing a portion of the body of Christ to serve with your gifts."  So the question to wrestle with is:

Does this church provide me with the opportunity to fully serve in the way God has gifted and wired me?

I hope this helps as people pray through what church God is calling them to be a part of. 

Should God call you to leave your church, please do so in a God-honoring way!  Be honest.  Confess sins where need be.  Pray for the church and bless them on your way out. 

*thanks to Stephen Mansfield's book ReChurch chapter 7 for spurring me on with this topic

 

~ Redemption ~

Today is Easter Sunday!  We remember and celebrate the ultimate redemption of Jesus conquering death and rescuing all who call on His name!  We experience redemption in so many little ways each day...often unnoticed.  I had my own redemption moment while sitting in the church service today.

It was two years ago that we made the bittersweet decision to transition our church plant into the congregation of one of our supporting churches.  It happened right after Easter...in April.  The last Sunday was very emotional for me.  I think I cried through every song the band played that morning!  One song they played was "Broken" by Lifehouse.  The words were truly resonating with me.  I was falling apart.  I had no idea what the future held.  I knew we were on the right path, but that didn't mean I understood it.  Clearly God had called us to plant this church, yet why did He choose not to sustain it?  So many questions whirled in my mind.   

Music can have this funny power over you.  I find that certain songs can almost instantly take me back to a memory.  I kind of have that happen whenever I hear "Broken" on the radio.  I remember standing side by side with my friends on the last Sunday of our church plant - knowing the whole time that everything is about to change!

Flashforward to this morning.  The band began to play and the guitar tune sounded familiar.  The song?  "Broken" by Lifehouse.  Instantly I was transported back to the memory of our church plant.  This time, however, I was able to look around this audotorium filled with people.  We would never be here if it weren't for that moment two years ago.  I looked around and saw literally hundreds and hundreds of people celebrating and worshiping Jesus!  I saw several lives changed for eternity as people prayed to receive Christ this morning.  I found myself praying silently, "Thank You, Jesus."  I was once again brought to a place where I was filled with gratitude for the brokenness that God had allowed us to experience.  God was redeeming it before my eyes! 

This is why when the tough times come, I continue to hold on.  I know there IS healing in His name and He ultimately brings meaning and redemption to it all!

~ A Word ~

I am always so encouraged by the moments in life where I look around and through interactions with others, prayer and reading, I keep getting the same message.  The message is always just what you need to hear or understand at that moment too.  The demands of life can be so exhausting so when I read the following little devotional for today in "Streams in the Desert," I was immensely encouraged.  I hope it lifts your soul today too.

We were under great pressure,...so that we despaired even life...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (2 Cor. 1:8-9)

Pressed beyond measure; yes, pressed to great length;
Pressed so intensely, beyond my own strength;
Pressed in my body and pressed in my soul,
Pressed in my mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure from foes, and pressure from dear friends.
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.

Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving His staff and His rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living my life for the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.

The pressure of difficult times makes us value life.  Every time our life is spared and given back to us after a trial, it is like a new beginning.  We better understand its value and thereby apply ourselves more effectively for God and for humankind.  And the pressure we endure helps us to understand the trials of others, equipping us to help them and sympathize with them.

Some people have a shallowness about them.  With their superficial nature, they lightly take hold of a theory or a promise and then carelessly tell of their distrust of those who retreat from every trial.  Yet a man or woman who has experienced great suffering will never do this.  They are very tender and gentle, and understand what suffering really means.  This is what Paul meant when he said, "Death is at work in us" (2 Cor. 4:12).

Trials and difficult times are needed to press us forward.  They work in the way the fire in the hold of a mighty steamship provides energy that moves the pistons, turns the engine, and propels the great vessel across the sea, even when facing the wind and the waves.  A.B. Simpson

~ Thoughts on Community ~

I checked out some books for Jonathan and myself to read over vacation.  I was flipping through one I picked out for him to see if I should renew it.  I found the following quotes as I skimmed very intriguing!  This is from the book, Water from a Deep Well by Gerald L. Sittser.

But it is easy for us to ignore one fundamental truth.  God calls the church to be a community of belonging for broken people.  The church's message matters a great deal, for the truth it proclaims is the precious, eternal message of the gospel.  But the church's "life together," as Dietrich Bonhoeffer called it, matters just as much, for such a community is proof that the gospel still has power to transform people's lives, to heal divisions and to provide a sense of belonging for rootless people.  The world longs to hear the gospel; it also wants to see it in action.

Can the church be renewed?  We must believe it can because it is God's church and it has a great history.  Our knowledge of the early church can point the way.  First, the church can strive to become as inclusive as the early church was, welcoming one and all into a body of believers whose only reason for being together is Jesus Christ.  The church is not - and should not be - an arm of the Republican or Democratic parties, not a country club without a golf course or health club without a pool, not a venue for rock, country or classical music concerts, not even a therapist's office or a twelve-step recovery group.  The church is a community of sinners who have found salvation through Christ, who care deeply for one another as saints in the making, who proclaim in word and deed that God plans to restore the entire world to himself through Jesus Christ.

No community on earth has the network, resources, institutions and motivation the church has.  Its influence reaches everywhere; it operates hundreds of charitable organizations that provide a a wide array of services to the needy; it believes in a message and a way of life that the world needs and wants.  Never before has the church had such opportunities for influence.  The biggest problem it faces is its own complacency and worldliness.

Here church leaders must take charge, not by doing more but by doing less.  They must surrender all desire for political, economic, social and cultural influence in the larger society to devote their energies to enabling the church to become a community of belonging. Church leaders are called to serve the church; the church in turn is called to serve the world.  Harold Korver has served at the same church for thirty-five years...  Above all, he has called the people to become disciples and the church to become a community of belonging for others.  He is not the reason why the church has prospered.  The members are the reason.  They have a caught a vision of what their church can be.  He only pointed in the right direction.  Once the church started moving, there was no turning back.

Great quotes, huh?  I know I am inspired by it!  It reminds me why Catalyst keeps plowing ahead!  We want to be an inclusive community of sinners saved by grace who share this message with the world -particularly our area of the world, Portage county.  We are continually grateful for all the amazing volunteers and people on the team who sacrifice time, money and talents to make this church happen.  This is not just the job of our leader, but for all of us.  I continue to pray that the people of Catalyst can see a piece of the vision in our heads of what we could become.  Like the quote above, "once [Catalyst] starts moving, there is no turning back!"

To hear some stories of life change and sacrifice at Catalyst, go here.

~ 2nd Annual Catalyst Easter Egg Drop ~

This morning Catalyst hosted its 2nd Annual Easter Egg Drop!  Despite begging and pleading with the helicopter pilot to come out, he felt that it was unsafe to fly from Cleveland and back.  :-(  I think Josiah enjoyed it more without the helicopter anyway.  He had so much fun!  He LOVED seeing the Easter Bunny.  The entire time he would watch to see where the bunny was and kept waving to it!

Josiah also just loved being around so many people and seeing all of the kids.  He was running around and squealing with delight!  He had no concept of waiting to go and kept running onto the field and playing.  I just let him because I was pretty confident he wouldn't know enough to actually try and get an egg. 

Then the countdown began...10, 9, 8...or if you are Josiah, you just shout out, "Two!"  We have been working on numbers with him so he thought it was only natural that everyone spontaneously started saying numbers.  LOL.  He seemed to understand the "go!" part and took off!  He didn't exactly hunt for eggs though.   He basically ran a little, jumped up and down and laughed!  Mommy and a couple of nice little boys helped him out so he didn't go home empty-handed.

Afterwards, he surveyed his plunder...

We came home and Josiah was very excited about his eggs.  He immediately took them to his table and began counting and organizing them.  LOL.  This kid cracks me up!

~ Thankful {Day 5} ~

Today I decided to post about being thankful for Life Group.  We meet every Thursday night.  Even though it's at my house tonight and that means I have to do a little cleaning, I am looking forward to it (Steph - I'll try to make sure the bathroom isn't quite as clean this time so you don't hear about it from Jack!  LOL.)!  It is so refreshing for me to know that I will have at least one night a week of adult interaction and conversation (outside my marriage, of course).  I can have a rough day and know that I have something to look forward to by day's end.  The gals in my group have little guys around Josiah's age and so it makes it that much easier for us all to relate and get along.  Sometimes it's crazy (like last week w/ the kids and me with no husband tagging along), but it is still a blast!  Sometimes it is really serious and deep.  Sometimes it's just encouraging and praying for one another.  Regardless, I am always blessed by it in some way.  I noticed a huge difference in my personal life during the time we took off over the holidays.  I am so thankful that God created us to live in community and that I have the opportunity to do that in the context of my Life Group!  Love you guys!  See ya tonight....

ps - to add to yesterday's thanksgiving - I got to feel my little nephew kicking! 

~ Big News - from Jonathan ~

Once again, I am stealing Jonathan's words....

Our Core Team has been praying for tonight (Thursday) for a while now via our members-only email list.  Your prayers have been answered by our great God!

Here's the big news that we want to get out there asap:

The local district of Grace Brethren Churches is excited about what God is doing in Kent through CATALYST.  They want to do something very special for us:

They are giving CATALYST a $10,000 cash gift toward the125 building renovation project!

AND they are challenging us to complete the renovation project in the next 30 days with this incentive: they will match dollar-for-dollar any BE a CATALYST donations up to $5,000 total.

This means we could end up with $20,000 total to finish the125project!!

Gang, this is HUGE. God is doing something in downtown Kent!